So, this show exists, and it is already a rejection of everything I look for in television. This isn’t really a narrative constructed to probe the depths of the human soul in search of meaning as much as it is an exploitation of people who… eh, kinda suck.
Alright, so, the premise of the show is that it’s couples where one of them is a US Citizen, and the other one is not, and they have 90 days to decide if they want to marry before the expiration of the visa used by foreign fiancés. The couples have to prove a valid relationship before one member can move to the US, then have to marry within 90 days, or else the visa expires and deportation follows. Gee, what a fun set-up for letting true love blossom.
When this episode was initially requested, I was asked to do “Josh and Aika,” but it turns out that they don’t really have a solo episode, because my life is pain. So, while I’m waiting to figure out how to do this, I’m going to use their “set-up” video from TLC.com. (found here: https://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/90-day-fiance/videos/josh-and-aikas-story).
So, Josh is 43, takes photos of his six pack, is twice divorced, lives with his buddy Jason and a college-aged girl, and runs a home theater company. Aida is 35, from the Philippines and matched him on OKCupid. It’s a little disheartening that the first 30 seconds contains Josh saying that he wouldn’t consider her if she wasn’t hot. I’m not saying that physical attraction means nothing, and I’m not saying that it’s past TLC to have re-cut this to make him seem shallower, but seriously, couldn’t you say something besides “I have to have a very beautiful woman in my life?” Even if that’s what you think, man, maybe try to have a little bit more appreciation for the other traits you like in the woman you’re trying to marry?
Apparently, he went to Manila, they dated, he proposed on Valentine’s Day, and now she’s going to come move into the loft with him. They describe themselves as “party people.” Josh says Aika is “High Maintenance… in her looks department,” which is intercut with Aika saying how she loves to buy expensive items. They’re also already fighting over the fact that she looks hot in public and Josh getting jealous. Man, these guys are off to a great start on the whole “Growing Old Together” idea.
I hate everything about this show, and was not willing to watch the entire thing just to see this couple. It just kept getting worse as I went further in. But, here are the highlight scenes that I was able to find online:
Okay, so, their introduction involves Aika reminding Josh that he’s going to be her “provider” now, with Josh saying that Aika is so hot that he knows she’s the right one for an older guy like him. Oh, and, in addition to having terrible relationships with his exes, Josh apparently has no relationship with any of his kids. Josh’s buddies pretty much think he’s being scammed, and don’t seem to be surprised that Josh doesn’t really care as long as he gets laid and has a hot wife.
My second indication that these people are worse than I even suspected came when Josh picked Aika up at the airport. Aika gave off the general impression that she was going to later be asking Josh for money up front before he started taking his clothes off. However, this impression might be because when Josh showed up in a Jeep, she commented that she was disappointed because he’d promised to buy her a Porsche, and reminding him that she has many offers so she expects the finer things.
I should remind you at this point that Josh is in his 40s and lives with multiple roommates. He has obviously not been honest with her about his circumstances. When they arrive at his house, one of the roommates clearly believes that she’s taking advantage of Josh, and tries to interrogate her. It isn’t comfortable for anyone, especially the viewer. Josh also gets jealous when she tries to feel up the muscles of one of his roommates.
I don’t exactly know what happened in the next sequence, because Aika was wearing contacts out of a horror movie (WHICH I CAN’T FIND A GOOD STILL OF), and I was afraid she was going to come through the screen. So, Aika says she wants to model, and Josh wants to be able to say he’s dating a model, but that’s clearly bullsh*t, because the minute they go to a modeling agency and the agency offers her a job, Aika says that she plans to be pregnant within 2 years, so they withdraw the offer. Josh tries to avoid talking about it, but Aika points out that he said he wanted a wife and family when he asked her to marry him (after 120 hours of contact).
So, then, Josh takes her ring shopping… BECAUSE THE ONE HE GAVE HER WAS HIS EX-WIFE’S. Which appears to have been stolen back by him, although he doesn’t admit it. Aika picks a $12,000 ring, which “Porschemaster” Josh apparently can’t afford. At dinner, she’s pissed about the ring, and she keeps saying she gave up her life for him. Also, she wants a baby, and he’s had a vasectomy, which apparently, he hasn’t mentioned to her. I now officially hate him more than her, and I don’t like her.
Josh takes her shooting with his buddy who doesn’t approve, and the friend flat-out says that she’s bad for him. He says this while wearing the goofiest cowboy hat ever, suggesting he himself has not known the touch of a woman (or a man). Josh doesn’t actually say anything in her defense, which suggests that being bad for him is a super-low bar, because he’s a jackass.
Josh finally admits that he’s had his grapes turned seedless, and Aika basically gives him an ultimatum to have the procedure reversed. He tries to weasel out of it, because he is a shitweasel, but ultimately, he gives in to going to the fertility clinic. They head to the fertility doctor where they’re basically told that Aika’s ovaries are shriveled up and dead because she’s 36. I’m guessing that Josh asked him to help get him out of the reversal. I mean, really, the doctor’s primary reason appears to be her age, which is weird, because 36 is NOT too old to have kids.
They leave, and Josh apparently decides he should keep bringing up her age and her infertility, because he’s a festering shitgibbon. Aika responds that she’s going to find a real man with some real swimmers to knock her up. Josh tries to storm off, but comes back and finally agrees to have the vasectomy reversed.
And apparently, I’m missing something, because the next scene is them flying to Vegas, but Wikipedia says that’s actually what happened next, so f*ck it. Josh introduces her to his parents, who don’t like her, nor do they like him. Seriously, Josh’s mom doesn’t like him. At all. She says he was a shitty husband and a shitty dad, and will probably be both of those things again.
Josh’s mom is now my favorite character.
Aika looks upset about it, which makes it hilarious when they cut to her wearing jean shorts and a wedding veil. Nobody seems to notice, so I guess that’s common in Vegas. They get married, and Josh’s mom says that she hopes she won’t have to fly back to Vegas for another wedding anytime soon, cementing her as my favorite. After the wedding, Josh says “’Til death do us part,” and Aika shoots back that, as his third marriage, she hopes so. My assumption is that nobody believes that.
Okay, so, the last thing this show does, apparently, is bring people back later to group-chat. Josh mentions that he’s still fixed, which is not a great sign for their marriage.
BOMBSHELL: Neither is the fact that Josh has a history of domestic violence. His first wife has now given an interview detailing that he had hit her on several occasions. Also, some leaked court documents reveal that not only did his kids not want to be with him, they petitioned the court not to allow him any custody.
THIS IS THE WORST SHOW EVER. I think I am actually a worse person for having watched it. I just hate everyone involved with it, and I want them to suffer. Josh needs to be hit by a car, and I might actually be more inclined to support exclusionary immigration policies just to keep people like Aika out of this country. They are bad people. I realize that this show probably cut everything to make them look worse for ratings, but I’m pretty sure they were picked for being terrible people. Even worse, I kinda want to watch more of it! I am now going to drink for a while and cry.
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