By The Grouch on the Couch
Well, the Grouch and I saw the film. While I was going to write a review, he felt particularly inspired and decided to go ahead and do the entire thing in a parody of Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner.”
My rebuttal shall be in the form of short limericks. I don’t promise that they’ll work.
There was an aquatic superhero
Long mocked for powers and logo.
Producers they decided,
To make him badass through Khal Drogo.
But fortune favors not the brave but wise,
And wisdom doth DC lack
For though his hot body might carry a film
This dialogue breaks his back.
I start with a story summary
As clear as a winter morning.
And so you assholes don’t complain,
HERE’S YOUR SPOILER WARNING.
Aquaman, or Arthur Curry,
was born from the strange love
Between a queen from Atlantis below,
And a lighthouse keeper from the world above.
But happiness is forbidden,
When you tell a hero’s genesis,
So soon she was forced to return,
And bear Prince Orm, Arthur’s Nemesis
Following the Justice League’s
Victory in their movie,
Aquaman’s a public hero
That makes the fangirls, and guys, woozy.
The opening action sequence
Is actually quite glorious
A bulletproof man fighting normal people
And emerging, smiling and victorious.
Arthur saves a submarine, the target which
Sea pirates would acquire.
He meets the leader, called Black Manta,
And earns his eternal ire.
When Arthur returns to the surface,
He finds Mera, Atlantean Queen
Who tells him his half-brother
Has grown up to be quite mean.
Orm wishes to destroy the surface,
Because the movie needs a plot,
And he needs the support of other sea-kings,
For reasons I forgot.
Arthur tries to beat him in a fight
Using their aquatic power
But Orm is slightly stronger
Cuz it’s only been an hour
So Mera stops Orm’s fratricide
And says Arthur needs to Quest
For the First Trident of Atlantis
While each ogles the other’s chest.
What follows is a fetch quest
That takes a f*cking hour,
And of course the twist is “talks to fish”
Ends up being the greatest power.
He goes through the Sahara,
Defeats Manta in Sicily
Swims below the Marianas Trench
And into an underground sea.
Arthur finds the trident
And kicks his brother’s ass
While wearing the green and gold outfit
Cuz royalty means class
Here the film is ended,
But now let’s talk about
What things the editor should have left in
And what should have been cut out
The acting is pretty solid,
The cast all pretty, too,
From Jason Momoa to Amber Heard
And Patrick Wilson’s Orm, all woo
The effects are indeed special,
And, no, that’s not sarcasm
The glowing effects that define the sea,
From building to sargassum
The film creates an immersive world
And yes, that is a pun,
But the camera effects that seem like waves
Did make some scenes more fun
The direction isn’t terrible,
With some scenes even stirring
The cinematography was oft on point
While fight scenes were occurring.
But alas the dialogue is bad
Too bad for me to mention.
It repeated so often and was so dull
It was hard to pay attention.
You’d think that’s not enough
To drag a movie down
But really the lines were so damned bad I hoped
That everyone would drown.
The plot is so generic
That I swear they say “fetch quest.”
And these two awful elements
Wildly overshadow the rest.
So while there were some great scenes
Within this aquamovie
I could not recommend a watch
Even for Mamoa’s booty.
I hated this film, not just because
It had so much potential
But also because I fear the profit
Might make it influential.
And thus DC has let me down
For five out of six times
So here I end this film review
Cuz I’m now out of rhymes
I wish there was a scene in Nantucket
So it’d be easier to tell this film s*ck it.
The plot was mundane
The dialogue insane
And I wish I’d just left and said “f*ck it”
If you say that this doesn’t rebut
Well, I’d try but it’s open and shut
This movie was lousy
I spent half the time drowsy
And wishing someone had yelled “cut”
If you want to check out some more by the Joker on the Sofa, check out the 100 Greatest TV Episodes of All Time, Collection of TV Episodes, Collection of Movie Reviews, or the Joker on the Sofa Reviews.
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