Llamageddon: Best. Title. Ever. – Amazon Prime Review

Holy f*cking space llama!

SUMMARY (Warning: Written while Drunk)

A llama (Louie the Llama) from a planet of llamas is sent to Earth to wreak havoc upon the masses. It lands on a farm in the middle of nowhere and, you know what, no, I’m not going to get into the plot of this film. It’s an evil llama. There are kids who party at the house near where it lands, it kills them, there’s blood and llama juice, and then there’s a teen who’s half-llama half-human and that’s a whole thing. Whatever, you didn’t watch Llamageddon for the plot. Among the people who were in this (almost all of whom used fake names or were named by parents who hate them) are: Dany Ambassa (also John Selmy, apparently?), Pinki Brainweis (trying to take over the world), L. Lean Burnside (Possibly a restaurant chain), E.B. Buxxner (clearly a porn name), James Earl Cox III (not a porn name, but could have been), Leona L. Dandee (OH COME ON, that’s a porn name), the Dewins (Algin, J. Align, and director Howie, who is very proud of himself), Papa Don (definitely a real name), Carter Fairfax (originally Carter Fairmail, but they changed it in the ninth century), Mary Haddilam (she’s very little), Sarah Hess (originally Sunshine Phoenix, but the stripper of that name sued), and Gooch Jesco III (heh… Jesco), Bradly Jonesy (similar to Brad Jones), Ki Ki Lang (… umm… pass?), Mama Lori (her grandkids love her), Lucy (in the sky with diamonds), Leanne Maira (Call me, Party Girl 1), Jared Marks (no points for you), Aaron O.O. Shanson (who pronounces it A.A. Ron), Erin Stacy (playing herself?), Dick Cymbals (too easy), and Chet Steadman (Gary Busey’s character in Rookie of the Year). 

No, no I did not.


As someone who has reviewed a ton of films based solely on the title (Bed of the Dead, Killer Sofa, Killer Pinata, Cheerleader Ninjas, Evil Toons, CarousHELL, Clownado… damn, I might have an addiction), I’m aware of the range of quality that can be associated with such films. They can be bad, they can be ironically bad, they can be so bad they’re good, and they can be so bad they’re a blight upon the very notion of the goodness of humanity. This movie is… mostly a joke. I mean, the people involved clearly knew they were making a schlocky horror movie for no money and with a cast of individuals who not only were not actors but mostly never aspired to be. Then, upon finishing the movie, they posted it on Amazon with a purchase price of $1 MILLION. 

Hot tubs cost money, man. Llamas need big tubs.

Clearly, this was just a way to have a good time for most of the people involved. It’s kind of hard to judge something like this, because if someone is intending to make something corny and weird and they make something corny and weird, does that mean it’s good or bad? Well, the answer is that it’s still bad, but you can appreciate the effort and, honestly, laugh your ass off at it. And, to be clear, by many standards of filmmaking, this movie is very bad (one person who watched it because I said I was going to claimed they will never forgive me), but it knows exactly what its doing. The characters are, intentionally, such exaggerated stereotypes that they may drive you a bit insane, particularly Floyd, the lead character, who is a mama’s boy until he gets laid and his voice literally drops. However, when you put a ton of stereotypical characters together with a space llama, it actually seems pretty hilarious. Particularly since the llama doesn’t JUST use its laser eyes to murder people, but comes up with other even more ridiculous methods.

But the laser eyes… those are big.

Look, I’m not going to say this movie deserves an Oscar, but, possibly thanks to about five shots of alcohol at the start, this film kept me laughing for quite a bit. If I lived in a state where it was legal, I’d say this was the perfect movie to get high and watch. Also, legitimate kudos to the animator, even though their scenes were few and far between. The planet of the llamas was awesome. 

Louie did deserve a Golden Globe nom, though.

Overall, if you love laughing at C-movies, this one will do the trick. Don’t take it seriously, because the people who made it didn’t, and you’ll have a good time. Also, I do want to see Llamageddon 2: ALPACALYPSE. 

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I'm not giving my information to a machine. Nice try, Zuckerberg.

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