One of the most epic exploitation films ever. A must-watch.
SUMMARY (Written drunk, but… I don’t think anyone could write this sober)
Two law enforcement agents are killed on a private resort island called Molokai in Hawaii. At the same time, due to a shipping mix-up, a giant, ultra-toxic, mutant snake is sent to the island. The pilots of the cargo plane are also two operatives for a covert agency, Donna and Taryn (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton, both of whom were playboy playmates). The two girls go for a few topless conversations after Donna bangs her fellow agent and man-piece Rowdy (Ronn Moss). Also, Taryn is a former mob witness in witness protection with the agency. They end up intercepting a shipment of diamonds being smuggled by the new drug kingpin Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), the head of the cartel that killed the two law enforcement agents. Romero sends goons to attack the girls, resulting in the snake being released, which saves the girls and results in Romero being shot. The snake then escapes into the sewers not to be seen for a while aside from killing random people.
Taryn and Donna report to Rowdy and another operative named Jade (Harold “Nature Boy” Diamond), but a spy named Michelle (who turns out to be Michael (Michael A. Andrews)) intercepts the call. Taryn then sleeps with a sportscaster who’s on the island named J.J. Jackson (Wolf Larson), but despite having a night of passionate sex on a beach, they’re both perfectly clean in the morning. Jade and Rowdy survive an assassination attempt by using their trusty bazooka, but Romero’s goons intercept their undercover agent Edy (Cynthia Brimhall) and capture her. While researching Romero’s hideout, the pair realize that the front guard plays frisbee, a thing that somehow becomes relevant. Donna and Rowdy have a pre-rescue bang while Edy is tortured (yes, they intercut those). The next day they attack the cartel compound by… You know what, I’m just gonna f*cking put it here. You wouldn’t believe me if you didn’t watch it.
For those of you who can’t watch it, yes, he puts some shaving razors on a frisbee and uses it to not only cut through a man’s hand, but then also slit his throat open. Donna then flies a glider over the area and bombs it while the other three drive in with a bazooka and a jeep. It’s like a crazy G.I. Joe episode with titties. Eventually, they manage to overrun the compound, kill a ton of mooks and rescue Edy, only to be attacked by Romero when they get home. Donna hides in the bathroom only for the snake to erupt from the toilet and kill Romero. Rowdy then Bazookas the snake to death. They kill Romero’s partner Mr. Chang (Peter Bromilow) in another action sequence, then we sail off into the sunset… with titties.
This movie is absolutely magnificent, but not in any way by which we normally measure films. In the Discworld series, there’s a character called B.S. Johnson whose creations of art, engineering, and architecture are often baffling, but nevertheless are incredibly impressive. He’s described as “as far from incompetent as a genius, but in the opposite direction.” Andy Sidaris, the writer and director of this film, is basically the same. Everything about this movie should be technically wrong, except that somehow it’s all perfect. The dialogue is strange and yet almost all the lines are striking, the cinematography is beautiful at some points and bizarre at others, the performances range from too intense to too wooden, and the violence ranges from bloodless to over-the-top insane. At one point, a skateboarding assassin carrying a sex doll is it with a car, sending him flying into the air before he is shot with a bazooka. This is one of the more understandable scenes in the film. To be clear, this isn’t a “so bad it’s good” movie. This is a “so crazy it’s amazing” movie.
This film is one of the entries in Sidaris’ “Triple-B” films, which stand for “Bullets, Bombs, and Boobs.” It’s the second one after Malibu Express, which I will also review at some point. All of the films are notable for having, as the Bs would suggest, a lot of explosions and tits. The cast were usually Playboy Playmates or Penthouse models, as is the case here, specifically because they were more likely to agree to nude scenes. The first nude scene in this film is 1:47 in and it probably never goes more than 5 minutes without showing someone else’s breasts. The same is probably true of gunfights and explosions. This film is appealing to people on a very basic level and that level is “we love tits and ‘splosions.” You are never bored even for a second.
That’s not to say there isn’t a plot or dialogue. In fact, there is, arguably, way too much plot. There’s a giant mutant snake, a covert group operating as cargo pilots, a sportscaster on an island who almost loses his career due to an interview where his subjects are drunk, and a number of insane subplots. It’s almost like there are four movies in this film. As for dialogue, the conversations in this movie are composed mostly of either strange, borderline insane insertions that don’t get followed up on (including a woman accusing a casting director of rape, guys calling milkshakes “soul food,” and a weird conversation about vitamins) or the dialogue is basically action-movie lines cross-bred with porn dialogue from the 1970s. They’re weird, but they’re memorable. If this movie was supposed to be a parody, it does it perfectly.
Overall, I just genuinely can’t do this movie justice in a review. This is a must-see for people who like B-movies.
If you want to check out some more by the Joker on the Sofa, check out the 100 Greatest TV Episodes of All Time, Collection of TV Episodes, Collection of Movie Reviews, or the Joker on the Sofa Reviews.
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