If the pun in the title didn’t grab you, then… well, I’m sure you have other nice qualities. This is the parody of H.P. Lovecraft that nobody was asking for, but that we all thoroughly deserve.
The movie starts with the traditional frame-story of a guy being interviewed after a massacre. It flashes back from there.
Carter Wilcox (David Phillip Carollo) is a stereotypical virgin loser for a B-film. He lives in a house where everyone else is getting laid, watches porn a lot, has a condom that predates the Industrial Age, and is pretty much everyone’s tool. One night, he catches sight of a hooker, Riley (Melissa O’Brien), who has a distinctive birthmark on her ass, and falls for her. At the same time, a group of people are searching the asses of call-girls around the city and murdering the ones that lack birthmarks. The group, revealed to be the Church of Starry Wisdom, in turn, is being stalked by a group of women who appear to be trying to stop them. The women find out that the killers have left the Necronomicon in a hotel room after a murder and flee with it, losing 2 of their members in the process.
Carter finds Riley’s card and decides to call her. When she comes over, he’s naturally nervous and first asks to use her as a life-model for his art, believing that he’ll have sex with her only if they fall in love. The Church invites over more hookers and Riley’s pimp Ashton Eibon (Troy Jennings), but they capture the hookers after none of them have the mark. Ashton sells out Riley after a group of squid-masked cultists surround him and threaten him. Meanwhile, the women fighting against the Church contact Carter, having seen his illustrations in a local magazine and believing him to be able to copy the illustrations in the Necronomicon. Apparently, that will help them stop Cthulhu.
Riley and Carter go out on a regular date, where she regales him with stories of people’s odd kinks. The Church is revealed to have a number of possessed and feral demonic call-girls, who attack the captured hookers and Ashton. Riley and Carter go back to his place where he reveals that he’s a virgin, leading her to ask him to wait to have sex. Riley then gets called away by the Church using Ashton’s phone. Carter starts to ink the copy of the Necronomicon, but is haunted by strange visions. The remaining women, Edna (Helenmary Ball) and Squid (Sabrina Taylor-Smith), come to check on Carter and find a painting of Riley that shows her birthmark. They give Carter an incantation.
Riley goes to pick up a shift at a strip club, where she finds herself suddenly surrounded by Church acolytes. They capture her and Edna, bringing them before their leader Sebastian (Dave Gamble), who cuts out Edna’s tongue. Sebastian opens a portal through which tentacles emerge and “get too familiar” with Riley. Meanwhile, there’s a subplot where Carter’s musician roommate, Erica (Nicolette le Faye), breaks up with her boyfriend, Rick “the Dick” (Alex Mendez), resulting in him getting poisoned by the cult and having his penis become huge and fanged.
Riley has become possessed by Cthulhu and starts to take on demonic characteristics, resulting in her killing all of her former clients by using their kinks against them (btw, acid golden shower was a little much, film). She breaks up with Carter over the phone, trying to save him from their fate. As he tries to get over it, he ends up sharing a romantic moment with Erica, but realizes that Riley might be in trouble. After he leaves, Rick comes back and attacks Erica, resulting in her cutting off his meter-long penis. Squid finds Carter and Erica before being attacked by the Church but Carter accidentally plays one of Erica’s songs which blow up the Church Acolytes’ heads.
Carter and Squid make their way to the Church. Carter finds Edna captive, but she’s quickly killed and Carter is captured. He wakes up next to Erica. He believes he’s going to die a virgin, but Erica decides to bang him before the apocalypse. Meanwhile, Squid fights off an army of possessed hookers as Riley turns into a tentacle monster and gives birth to several baby Cthulhus. Squid and Carter work together to try and destroy the Church, but Squid is killed by Sebastian, before monster-Riley kills him. Carter confronts Riley while Erica stabs her repeatedly. Carter closes the portal to Cthulhu with the incantation and Erica confesses her love, right before Riley kills her. Carter plays Erica’s song, blowing up Riley’s head.
Back in the present, Carter is drugged by his interviewer, who has him committed, before she is surprised by more Church Acolytes. Carter sits in a padded room and just wishes the world would end already.
Well, this is a pretty solid exploitation parody. Yes, there’s a ton of gratuitous nudity and goofy practical effects, but, counterpoint, it’s also hilarious at several points.
The people who made this clearly loved the hell out of H.P. Lovecraft. Almost everything in the movie, from the names to the places to the products featured onscreen are references. It would be impossible for me to name all of them, so I’ll do my top three:
3) Rick “The Dick” Pickman
Okay, so, this one was a slow-burn joke that really ended up being funny for me. The name comes from the Lovecraft short story “Pickman’s Model” about a painter who keeps displaying his grotesque works that are actually paintings of real creatures. It seems to just be a name drop until you find out that this Pickman is famous for displaying his apparently enormous penis everywhere. Later, his penis gets bitten by one of the mutant acolytes and becomes huge and alive, but he still wants to show it to everyone. In other words, Pickman still wants to model his one-eyed monster (which is what they actually call it in the film). Whatever, I thought it was funny.
2) Missy Katonixxx (Stephanie Anders)
The name of a porn star who has her own internet channel in the film. She shows up repeatedly and her breasts becoming grotesque mutant faces is the first thing that Carter hallucinates after starting to copy the Necronomicon. Her name’s a reference to Miskatonic University in the town of Arkham, a frequently recurring location within the Cthulhu Mythos, as well as the site of “Herbert West-Reanimator,” one of Lovecraft’s most famous stories and adaptations. The reason why I loved this so much is that they actually did need a school name within the story and, rather than just use it, instead repurposes it into what is almost certainly a real burlesque name.
1) Deep Ones Condoms
Why is this not a real product? No, really, why the hell is this not an actual product? I would switch brand loyalty in a heartbeat. The first story to feature Deep Ones was “The Shadow over Innsmouth,” and if you can’t make a dirty joke out of that then you are just not trying. Even the name “Lovecraft” was made for condom manufacturing. GET ON THIS, TROJAN.
Also “Get on this Trojan” is a good slogan itself. You’re welcome.
Other than the Lovecraft jokes, the plot’s somewhat interesting and the special effects, while cheap (they’d have been great in the 1970s), are appropriately grotesque. The acting is significantly better than you’d usually find in a movie like this and Carter, Riley, and Erica are actually pretty great performances. It is a classic exploitation film, so the nudity is pretty plentiful and most of the female characters are not exactly “enlightened,” which might be tough to deal with for some viewers.
Overall, if you’re a fan of Lovecraft, exploitation films, or, hopefully, both, then you will love this movie.
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