Netflix Review – Stephanie: Amazing Set-up, Follow-Through Needed Budget

Everyone knows kids can be really creepy. If a small child looks me in the eye and says “The specter of death looms large over your future,” then I say “How did you get in my apartment and why are you floating and oh god the burning has already begun.” Pretty sure everyone has had that happen before. Anyway, the point is: Kids can be f*cking creepy.

This is a movie about a creepy, creepy child. It’s not original in that aspect, but I’ll say that the way they handle it actually is.

SUMMARY (Spoiler-Free)

Stephanie (Shree Crooks) is a child who has been abandoned in her home by her parents. She plays around with a toy turtle, watches TV (which occasionally mentions something about an apocalypse happening before she flips it to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic), makes her own food, tries to befriend a bunny, and starts swearing because her parents aren’t there. Remember Home Alone’s montage when Kevin realized his family was gone? It’s that, but with a young girl.

Stephanie-1Smiling.png
This is her learning she can say “shit” out loud.

Then, we start to find out that things are wrong. Stephanie is stalked by a shadowy figure that never seems to catch her. The body of a young boy, revealed to be her brother, Paul (Jonah Beres), is in a bed in the house and is decaying. Stephanie at first appears to be talking to it sadly, but then starts to blame it for her parents leaving and hits the body repeatedly.

Stephanie-2BatBro.png
Who hasn’t smacked a corpse with a bat?

Eventually, her parents return, but that only starts adding to the mystery of what happened with this world.

SUMMARY OF THE END (Spoilers)

Eventually, her parents (Frank Grillo and Anna Torv) return and apologize for leaving. They bury Paul, but Paul’s body is thrown back into the house that night. Stephanie’s dad asks her what she thinks happened when Paul died. It’s revealed that Stephanie killed Paul using telekinetic tentacles that appear to be made from her shadow. The apocalypse is actually a dark force possessing children around the globe. The monster that’s been stalking her is a manifestation of her own powers. Her parents knock her out and try to perform a procedure to disable her powers, but she awakes and destroys the makeshift lab.

Her parents try to poison her, but her tentacles save her. Her father then shoots her multiple times, killing her. He returns home to his wife, but Stephanie reappears, revived. She brutally murders both of her parents, destroys the house, throws away her stuffed turtle, and walks away psychically destroying her entire neighborhood. A shot of the Earth reveals this to be happening everywhere.

END SUMMARY (End Spoilers)

This is a Blumhouse picture, which means that the budget was probably so small it hurt parts of the film. However, as Get Out proved, this can encourage some really inventive filmmaking with a focus on good story and concept to compensate for the lack of effects. This movie comes so close to that, but it just can’t quite keep it going. Admittedly, the lack of quality of the effects at the end is a little bit of an issue, but it’s mostly the way the film tries to handle the third act.

Stephanie-3Sleeping.png
When the parents return, the movie starts to drift.

At the beginning of the film, the mystery of what is happening to Stephanie is delivered slowly, with some odd hints surrounding the fact that we’re seeing a small child living on her own. She makes a lot of bad decisions and does goofy things, because she’s an unsupervised child, but we also see some slowly building evidence that the situation is much direr than it seemed. This part of the film is great. Since the director is A Beautiful Mind’s Akiva Goldsman, there should not have been any doubt that we’d really be able to grasp that we’re watching a kind of madness progress.

Stephanie-4Hair.png
Admittedly, it’s a different kind of madness.

As far as the performance goes, Shree Crooks does a phenomenal job. She conveys all of the nervousness blended with excitement that you’d expect from a child who finds themselves allowed to do what they want. The scene where she first realizes that she can swear is perfect, with every line and action and look building to something that’s both hilarious and adorable, which gives us a break in the tension while still reminding us of the situation. It’s a great scene, and there are several like that at the beginning of the film.

Stephanie-5Shadow.png
She also conveys the fear well.

The progression of Stephanie’s disturbing behaviors is solid, going from mostly innocent behavior that shows she might be haunted by something to showing that she herself is frightening and unhinged.

The movie really just starts going downhill when her parents return, with much of the mystery being revealed with too much exposition and too little demonstration. Then, the ending was intense, but it still felt hollow. It feels like all the weight of the film has been removed by that point, instead replaced by some generic horror mixed with some, admittedly clever, deaths.

Stephanie-6Gaze.png
She’s going to eat your soul… or a taco.

I liked the movie for most of it, I just wish that the ending had felt more profound or more like a continuation of the first act rather than a completely different movie that had been stapled on. I don’t know what exactly caused this, but the fact that the beginning of it, and some parts of the end, are so well-done says that this team could definitely make a hell of a film if they had a little bit more consistency towards the end. Since Goldsman’s next film is an adaptation of Firestarter by Stephen King, given the parts of this movie that worked, I think that movie should be amazing.

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Cabin 28: The Worst Movie Ever

By the Grouch on the Couch

Cancel the Razzies. This movie has set a new record low. You want me to watch Gigli? Fine. You want me to double feature Battlefield Earth and Jack and Jill? Deal. Those movies are bad, but at the end of the day, I don’t feel disgusted by humanity. This movie has actually made me less optimistic about the merits of human existence.

Part of it is on me. I didn’t intend to ever see this movie sober, but I got snowed in and decided to put this on in the background at random from a list of sh*tty horror movies available while I worked on other stuff. However, I got so distracted by this movie about 15 minutes in that I had to add a review of it. Then, I got angry.

cabin28sheila.jpg
The real survivor

Cabin 28 starts off with the message that it is “based on real events.” In this case, the events were the unsolved murders of 4 people (a mother, 2 of her children, and a friend) in Keddie, California in 1981. Given that the family’s eldest daughter, who survived the night by being next door and came home to find her family murdered, and the youngest sons, who were IN THE HOUSE WHEN IT HAPPENED, are still alive, I’m sure this movie was done in nothing but good taste.

Oh, wait, instead they make the daughter’s character older and suggest that she’s had at least one back-alley abortion by the time she was 13? Well, that’s a very different way to go about depicting the ACTUAL LIVING SURVIVOR OF HER FAMILY BEING MURDERED WHEN SHE WAS 14.

SUMMARY:

The beginning of the movie is pretty boring, honestly. It’s just a set-up about the dysfunction between the family and the neighbors. It’s fairly boring until there’s a knock on the door late at night which is answered by the younger daughter, Tina (Harriet Rees). Here, she’s in her teens; in real life she was 12. It’s a guy portrayed in silhouette clearly wearing a hoodie. However, and this is why I finally had to start watching this movie, HE HAS THE SINGLE LEAST-BELIEVABLE ACCENT I HAVE EVER HEARD. It sounds like Gambit from X-men banged Mark Twain and the child they conceived was raised by Foghorn Leghorn, Sylvester Stallone, and Tommy Wiseau.

Cabin28ShadowTo the girl’s credit, she doesn’t let him in despite all of his requests, locks the door, and she lies to him when he asks her to call a friend. She also notices when the guy accidentally says “we” when referring to his future intentions. Of course, the movie cues this by having a sound that sounds like glass breaking to the point that I thought that was actually what happened (turns out, no, just a bad sound effect). Her mother, Sue (Terri Dwyer), is awakened by the noise and immediately walks outside to “confront” the person, then says that nothing is wrong when she sees nobody, and denies her daughter’s request to call the police.

Again, this is a portrayal of a woman who was actually murdered brutally, likely in front of her children. So why not make her the dumbest person alive? That’s fair, right?

Cabin28Skeletor.jpgAfter her mom goes back to bed, the man returns and tells the daughter that he knows she lied about calling his friend, because he cut the phone line. Her mom returns and says that “it’s probably just some drunken hobo,” despite the fact that her daughter tells her the phone line has been cut. The mom is immediately then grabbed by a man in a skull mask (hereafter Skeletor), who she slips away from. She then grabs a baseball bat and, to her credit, whacks Skeletor over the head. She tells her very young sons to hide under the bed with their friend who was sleeping over, and for her daughter to watch the house while she goes for help. Naturally, Skeletor immediately wakes back up (after being down for 30-ish seconds) and grabs the mom. She tries to lure him away from the kids, but finds out that another guy in a really horrifying demonic clown mask (hereafter Scariest Thing EVEr, or STEVE) has also broken in. She runs back into the kids’ room and barricades the door.

Cabin28SteveThen, her oldest son, John (Sean Rhys-James), returns, drunk, with his friend Dana (Derek Nelson), who is also drunk and smoking pot, thus making sure that these real people are being depicted fairly in the way they lived before they were brutally murdered in real life. They sneak into the house through the window they left open, which appears to be how the killers got in. Dana leaves and gets strangled to death by STEVE while outside. John goes out to find him and the killers turn the radio on to lure him around the building, where he tries to open the door to the kids’ room and the mom brains him with the baseball bat. Skeletor and STEVE use this opportunity to grab Tina and the mom, stabbing the mother in the back. Oddly, while Tina is facing off against Skeletor and STEVE, the mom is just repeating her son’s name over and over again and trying to save him… ignoring that her daughter is about to die. Guess you really do have a favorite child.

Tina kicks Skeletor in the balls (which He-Man should have done), convincing him to go after the mom, and STEVE taunts her to grab the baseball bat. STEVE drops his knife and offers Tina “a fighting chance,” before mocking her for being weak. She proceeds to knock him down and tries to run, only to be confronted with a THIRD killer, who has not been seen or alluded to prior to this. She’s a woman who tries to stab Tina to death on the stairs. Tina finally escapes and runs next door, only for the people next door to turn off the lights. The mom is beaten unconscious with a hammer, John is stabbed, and Tina jumps in a passing car. She asks the driver for help, and he acknowledges that he knows her family is in Cabin 28, revealing that he is working with the killers.

Cabin28Montage

He brings her back to the cabin, where she is tied up with her dying mother and brother in chairs. Her mom begs for her small children in the other room to be spared. John is executed in front of his mother by having his head bashed in with a hammer. Tina then claims she’s pregnant to avoid getting her head smashed in. They hit her in the head with the hammer anyway, before killing the mother with the same hammer. One of the small boys, the friend, walks into the room and is horrified. The killers put Tina into the trunk of their car.

Cabin28Hammer2.jpg

The next day, the eldest daughter, Sheila (Brendee Green), returns home from her friend’s house and sees her mother, brother, and Dana mutilated on the floor. She finds that the young sons are alive in the next room. I’m going to pause to state that these kids clearly were not given much direction during the first shot of them, because 2 of them appear to be laughing a little at something, which doesn’t really match up with the “just heard your family brutally murdered” vibe.

It then cuts to an interview by a deputy with one of the neighbors, Marty, who lies about seeing a suspicious person in a bar. He then denies that the small boy who came out, who is apparently his stepson, saw anything about the killings. He then says a bunch of stuff that make him look blatantly guilty. When the deputy talks to the Sheriff, the Sheriff says that he just needs to drop it and not “pull threads.” The Sheriff implies that he’ll be convincing the DoJ to drop it as well.

Cabin28Marty

Then, another interview with another neighbor until the Sheriff shuts it down. The two men are shown leaving town afterwards. The end title cards indicate that no one was ever arrested for the murders and that Tina’s fractured skull was found one county over. The case is now active again following the discovery of the murder hammer in 2016.

END SUMMARY

Alright, so, first off: Almost all of the accents in this are terrible. Most of the actors were British, which might explain it if acting didn’t exist. I acknowledge that even some great actors can’t do accents well (*cough* Benedict Cumberbatch *cough* I love you, though *cough*), but seriously, this was exceptionally bad. The film is boring, it’s basically just The Strangers done worse. Since the characters really don’t seem to have done anything to earn their demise in traditional horror fashion, especially the daughter, the brutality of their execution is not entertaining, it’s just uncomfortable. They’re dying not for the narrative, but because they died in real life. I guess they added the Mom’s ineptitude, the brother’s drinking, and the daughter’s pregnancy in the name of “justifying” them dying, but that completely undermines the scary element of “this was completely random” that The Strangers and its ilk use. Fiction, unlike reality, has to be accountable for its actions, but this is just watching a re-enactment of a snuff film. Which brings us to my next point:

I honestly hate this movie on another level. The movie is portraying itself as being about real events, uses the real names for all of the parties, but also A) depicts several of the characters of having done things they probably both didn’t do and wouldn’t want to have depicted in film (one sister, the one who survived, had a pre-teen abortion; the youngest one, who was 12 at the time, is said to be pregnant when she’s killed; the mother is depicted as essentially mortally wounding her own son; the son, 15, was apparently drinking all night on fake IDs), and B) heavily implies that it knows which three people committed this crime. Granted, the two lead suspects are dead, but the third person implied in the movie as committing these murders isn’t. That’s probably why she isn’t made as “explicit” in her portrayal as a killer, to avoid lawsuits. Still, we don’t know who actually committed these murders yet, and actively implying that these people did it borders on slander… or libel, rather. Hell, I haven’t read a report that says there were three killers, except on one weird conspiracy site (which stated that the friend that was over, the 12-year-old stepson, actively took part in the killings, so I’m disregarding that whole thing). Also, it doesn’t just imply that law enforcement was incompetent, it flat-out says they were active in covering it up.

Seriously, this movie just pisses me off. It’s not just bad, it’s f*cking unethical. Don’t watch this movie. I know it wasn’t likely for anyone, but I’m telling you, I don’t think I’ve ever hated a film this much. Maybe Chaos.

Joker’s Rebuttal:

I have literally nothing to rebut here. If anything, I retroactively like The Strangers less after seeing this movie.  The best part of the movie was when I realized I might be able to prevent others from seeing it.

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Satanic Request: Bed of the Dead

The title of this movie alone required me to watch and review it. This was not a request from a reader. This was a request from on high. Then, after about 5 minutes, I realized I was clearly hearing the voice of the devil.

I can’t call this movie bad. I would have to be more certain about what the last 80-ish minutes entailed for me to call it bad. This movie defies traditional good and bad, like one of the Great Old Ones from H.P. Lovecraft. It’s just a giant confusing waste of time. The fact that this was apparently from people who had made a previous film is shocking.

Rather than subject any of you to this movie, I have decided to post images of better horror movies.

SUMMARY

BedOfTheDeadHellraiserX.jpg
The Tenth One

Alright, so, the opening of the movie shows that there’s a tree that people get hanged on as part of… a ritual of some sort. Or just an execution. It’s tough to tell. Since there’s some stuff about punishment later, I guess that it’s supposed to be an execution, but that’s still not for sure. Whatever, people get hanged on it. Then, someone cuts it down and makes a bed out of it. That’s the Bed of the Dead.

The Bed somehow ends up at the “Anarchist’s Sex Club” in the present day. We’re told that a group of people died there, and the room was burned up, including the Bed. It then flashes back to the group coming in, who are a pair of couples having a foursome for one of their birthdays. They convince the woman at the front to rent the room with the Bed, even though it apparently was just the site of a murder a few weeks before.

BedOfTheDeadLeprechaun4.jpg
No, I didn’t go with “Back 2 Da Hood.”

The foursome gets on the bed, then one of them sees a scary face on the other and calls the sex off. Which seems to be kinda what everyone wanted, since this group never seemed to want to do anything sexual. There’s also a weird moment of a woman walking down the sex club hall in slo-mo that’s unrelated to the rest of the movie. I still don’t understand this, except that it gives us the only nudity in a movie that takes place at a SEX CLUB. I’m not saying you need nudity to justify a terrible horror movie’s existence, but I’m saying exactly that.

So, the four go to bed, then one of the guys gets up after seeing his dog at the door. He is then dragged by an invisible dog under the bed and killed violently. The other three decide not to get off the bed because they hear something under it.

Cut to the present, and the owner of the club clearly knows about the bed, and barges in on the police investigation. He’s arrested for being a douche.

BedOfTheDeadFridayBack to the remaining three. One of the guys is shown a hallucination of the girls gone, and a shape made out of bloody sheets attacks him. He gets off the bed, at which point he is killed by having a bloody sheet spider burst out of him. It doesn’t make a ton of sense in context either. The two girls are now covered in blood, but stay on the bed. A guy from the hallway decides to come into the room, and the bed shows him visions of the two girls begging him for sex, then it pushes him into the hallway and kills him. He touches the bed, which is apparently enough to justify dying, but you can be shown a hallucination without touching it. This movie has no real rules.

BedOfTheDeadZombieStrippers
… Yep.

Okay, now, one of the girls manages to get her phone, and she texts her mother, but the text goes to the policeman in the future. They start texting back and forth, and it’s shown that if they change something in the past, it changes the present… but only in the present. Like, one of the girls carves her name in the bed, and the guy sees the carving appear letter by letter. If you’ve seen “The Lake House” or “Looper,” well, I’m sorry you had to sit through those movies, but it’s like that.

In the present, the officer, despite the supernatural stuff happening, doesn’t appear to be really doing anything. He takes a nap at one point. Also, he snorts coke and drinks, because he shot a kid, and somehow lost his daughter.

BedOfTheDeadBlackSheepBack in the past, the girls are trying to sleep, until one of the girls is told by the officer that she’s dead in the future. The movie starts to imply that the Bed is punishing people for someone they killed, but… one guy just had a dead dog. Like, he seemed super happy to see the dog, so I don’t get the feeling he killed it. Does having a dog die in your lifetime count? Because that seems like a really weird bar. The second guy killed a kid in a DUI. The first woman is revealed to have killed her mother after she forced her to have an abortion. The last one feels guilty because she survived a school shooting after a guy took a bullet for her.

The woman who killed her mom decides everything is in her head, so she tries to leave and the other woman knocks her out to save her. MomKiller gets back up after a while and gets off the Bed, before dying quickly with little fanfare.

BedOfTheDeadHalloweenThe officer goes to meet a woman who was accused of murdering her husband on the Bed, but she reveals that he plucked his own eyes out. She was spared, supposedly because she was “innocent.” Also, what kind of forensics can’t tell that someone pulled their own eyes out? The officer calls the remaining girl, who now is planning on setting the Bed on fire, killing herself, but destroying it. He tells her that if she kills herself, the bed gets to take her soul, something that he HAS NO WAY OF ACTUALLY KNOWING. So, she chooses not to burn the Bed, and apparently leaves the club… or maybe doesn’t? She was seeing hallucinations, so maybe she’s dead.

The Bed, now having changed the past, is re-made whole in the present, and then the officer gets a call from his partner, who is in the room the next day, with the officer’s corpse on the Bed. The officer realizes that he touched the Bed in the alternate timeline, and therefore has to die, so he shoots himself. The Bed is then sold at a police auction.

Then, the credits begin, and the first credit is a typo. That pretty much says all that the movie needed to tell you.

END SUMMARY

BedOfTheDeadPiper
Most movies lack sufficient doses of Roddy Piper

This movie isn’t scary enough to be a horror movie, isn’t thrilling enough to be a thriller, isn’t gory enough to be gore porn, isn’t camp enough to be campy, and isn’t self-aware enough to be a parody. It’s basically just a weird set of ideas mashed together in a way that says “direct to VHS.”

The Bed killing people seems inconsistent, since, of the people killed, we don’t really see why some of them deserved to die. Most of them see some version of the person they killed before they get off the bed, and that kind of explains a little, but, one of them saw his dead dog and DID NOT INDICATE ANY KIND OF GUILT. He’s happy to see the dog, like a childhood pet you lost. Then, he’s brutally torn apart. Did he kill the dog? The revenge death would indicate that, even if nothing else does, but does that mean that anything anyone kills, even animals, can kill you? Because then you’re always just going to die unless you’re Buddha.

BedOfTheDeadMaximumOverdrive.jpgAnd the movie really keeps trying to pretend that there are rules, even though there very clearly are no useful rules to anything. Then, it decides to amp everything up by having the officer investigating the murder talking to the victims who are in the past. The movie tries to at least imply this is because the one girl is innocent, or at least it’s because the bed is trying to prevent itself from being destroyed by her, but then, at the end, the officer talks to the person investigating his own murder, and neither of those things apply, so apparently everything is just “if we feel like it.”

Also, at the end of the movie, I have no idea if the girl is actually alive. She walks out of the building, and then out of the movie, but that could just be in her head. The movie already established that the bed can make you hallucinate from a distance and kill you from basically anywhere, so… maybe she just was crushed by a giant foot or something.

The movie really doesn’t provide very interesting deaths, either. They’re fast and brutal, but they’re not particularly original or inventive. One girl just has her body break. Horrifying, yes. Original? No.

BedOfTheDeadKlownsThen, the movie ends in another timeline, where the bed wasn’t destroyed, but is now being sold for auction, and I have to ask the question “why?” This Bed has now been the site of a minimum of 5 murders/suicides, according to authorities. This is usually the point where the state would lock it up just so crazy people can’t buy it. Also, how did they get the Bed to the auction site? Did it not kill at least a few of the people involved in cleaning, moving, storing, and displaying it? Because the movie establishes that you just have to touch it to die, and the end of the movie demonstrates that you don’t even have to have touched it IN THE CURRENT REALITY.

This movie was way more complicated than a movie about a killer bed should be. And, for the record, the bed never swallows anyone, which would have been way scarier. This movie was beaten, without effort, by the original Nightmare on Elm Street, decades before it even was created.

Update: I have now been informed that there is a movie called “Death Bed: The Bed that Eats,” that Patton Oswald has spoken about. I need to find this movie.

BedOfTheDeadPonies
I think this is a book, but I refuse to look further into it.

Unlike 13 Demons, which had a few good scenes, Birdemic and Iconoclast, which could at least say they were made by people who don’t make movies, or Reefer Madness, which at least was supposed to be an educational cautionary tale, this movie just wallows in being forgettable. I said in another review that part of the key to a “So Bad It’s Good” movie is that everyone on the film seemed to believe they were making a better movie than they did, but that really doesn’t apply here. I don’t ever feel like the cast was enjoying it, and they all clearly have at least some knowledge of acting. The basic movie is too well-shot for the lack of expertise to be laughable. The script is simultaneously too thin and too complicated, and the effects aren’t good enough to be entertaining, nor bad enough to be laughable.

This movie exists, and that’s about it. Don’t waste your time like I did.

If you want to check out some more by the Joker on the Sofa, check out the 100 Greatest TV Episodes of All Time or the Joker on the Sofa Reviews.

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NOTES

Preliminary notes: Why am I sober? Why? Why would I ever be sober for this?

0:01 – A guy’s being hanged from a tree in olden times. Good start.

0:03 – Ah, the tree has been made into the bed of the dead. Well played, film.

0:04 – The scene shifts to the present, at the “Anarchist’s Sex Club.” While that’s not the worst name ever, I have decided I need alcohol. I have paused the film for the purpose of rum.

0:06 – Oh, a horror movie that involves a police investigation? I haven’t seen one of these since… actually last week with Hellraiser X.

0:08 – “That room can’t be used,” “but I’m saying things convincingly,” “Oh, then it can.” Like, I think they just directly stated it was the site of a PREVIOUS SUSPECTED MURDER.

0:10 – I cannot tell what these people are supposed to be doing here, and this is explicitly called a sex club. I haven’t seen such lack of enthusiasm for erotic adventure since… Never mind.

0:13 – Random semi-nude music video for… no reason, I think. Alcohol has been upgraded to Captain Morgan 100.

0:14 – I have never seen an orgy of people this hesitant to do anything sexual. Granted, I’ve also never seen an orgy (I have now recalled a conversation in which I was told an orgy requires a minimum of 5 people, so I guess this is just a foursome).

0:14 – Oh, hey, a terrible jump scare and the foursome is called off. Clearly the Bed of the Dead doesn’t really want them to stay.

0:15 – And they’re staying anyway. Cut to the next day and, apparently, they died by fire, and the bed is also destroyed. This movie already seems terrible.

0:16 – A wolf? No, it’s apparently one of the guy’s dog

0:20 – Invisible dog just pulled a guy under the bed and ate him.

0:22 – And the owner appears to have known about the bed. Interesting.

0:26 – Like 5 minutes of them just sitting on the bed. Dui guy is now off the bed and going to die by… weird spider cloth thing. Which apparently entered him and popped out.

0:28 – Vaping must be the new “Let me show you I’m an asshole” thing in movies.

0:32 – So the bed can show you anything even if you’re not on it. Okay…

0:33 – Guy didn’t even get on the bed and he’s being killed. Apparently, there are no rules.

0:38 – She just texted the policeman in the future. The bed can warp time, apparently.

0:40 – This movie has just gotten way more complicated than a movie about a killer bed needs to be. Actually, any movie about a killer bed is more complicated than a movie about a killer bed needs to be.

0:43 – Okay, well, the cop’s daughter is dead, I guess. Or something. Was she killed by the bed? Does any of this matter? Oh, so he has a drug problem now. And a drinking problem. Guess he picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

0:44 – Sandy actually appears to be falling asleep on the Bed of the Dead. Which is what I’m doing watching it.

0:47 – Okay, so, he’s now telling them how they died in the past from the future. And despite being mostly burned away, the bed appears to still have some power. Maybe it regenerates.

0:50 – So, they’re trying to imply that each of these people has “killed” someone, but one of the guys apparently just had a dead dog, one guy ran over a 5 year old in a DUI, one had someone take a bullet protecting her from a school shooter, and the other… unknown so far.

0:51 – Nancy has apparently decided that all of this is a hallucination… despite knowing the bed causes hallucinations.

0:56 – Officer guy knows that some supernatural stuff is going on, and that the bed’s owner knows about it, but doesn’t appear to actually want to do anything.

1:01 – Okay, and last girl was forced to have an abortion. Wait, no, maybe she killed her mother. Oh, I guess it was both.

1:02 – You need to knock her out, Sandy or Candy, whatever your name is.

1:05 – Okay, so… now he’s meeting with the last girl to survive the bed who apparently was convicted of murder.

1:08 – Flashback to last guy who got killed for leaving the bed. Husband of current woman, apparently. And he pulled his own eyes out. Something that should have been obvious to forensics.

1:09 – Okay, so, now they’re saying that the bed punishes people.

1:12 – Sandy is now being told in the past that she doesn’t have to die… but he’s standing next to her corpse.

1:13 – “It’ll have the blood it needs to take your soul. That’s how it works.” NOTHING WORKS IN ANY FORM OF LOGIC IN THIS MOVIE, SHUT THE F*CK UP.

1:16 – Okay, so… is she out? The bed just re-made itself, but the image indicates that’s because it wasn’t burned up in this timeline.

1:18 – Okay, so now he’s dead in the future, and calling the cop investigating it from the past.

1:19 – But you just said that the only reason why he could talk to her was so that she could avoid being punished. So…

1:20 – And the bed is now re-sold at auction. Despite being the location of a TON of murders. And no idea what happened to Candy. And now they’re having creepy children sing lullaby. Too late to try to scare me movie.

1:21 – They spelled Virgil’s name wrong in the credits. That tells you everything.