Mini-review: “I Hit it First” – Ray J

The person who requested the Kardashian review also requested this music video.

What can I say about this video? It’s literally a guy bragging about sleeping with a hot girl before she became famous and moved on to bigger and better things. What’s interesting is that he doesn’t seem to realize exactly how insecure this makes him look. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s do the play-by-play.

Literally the opening to this song is him saying the name of his label and him. While showing off his various vehicles. If you read the other review first, you’re aware that Ray J made a ton of money off of sleeping with Kim Kardashian and selling the tape of it, so this is a nice way to show off how well it worked out for him.


Then there’s the epic chorus:

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first
I hop in the club and boppers show love, and I don’t even put in work
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first


You ever hear that line from Game of Thrones “Any man who must say, “I am the King“, is no true king?” Yeah, this is that. We do know you hit it first, Ray J. The estimated number of people who have watched you have sex is approximately equal to the adult population of the US. And yet, just like in the video itself, Ray J has to make it all about how awesome he is… despite acknowledging that she’s moved on to better men.

I do have to pause to state that he probably is telling the truth that he doesn’t need to work to get laid anymore. He’s rich and is famous for nailing Kim Kardashian. I’m sure he actually doesn’t have to put in effort anymore.

I’ve totally had sex since her. Really. Believe me.

I had her head going north and her ass going south
But now baby chose to go West
We deep in the building she know that I kill ’em
I know that I hit it the best

Apparently he doesn’t believe that his listeners get what “West” could be.

Oh, look! Wordplay. ‘Cuz she’s married to Kanye West. Get it? He’s clever. Also, apparently, Ray J’s sexual dynamism is so great that he has no doubt that none of Kim’s subsequent lovers have surpassed him. What’s great about the line is that he says “I know” not “You know” or “We know.” Apparently, despite his epic love-making ability, Ray J isn’t sure that others will agree with him. Or he doesn’t believe their opinions matter. Either way, doesn’t reflect well.

I bet I hit it first, unless you took that girl virginity
First come, first served is all a player know
But I don’t wanna be a player no more
That’s a lie, I’m way too fly

So, he acknowledges that he did NOT in fact hit it “first.” He only hit it before Kanye West. Way to undermine your own premise, Ray J. Then, he has to say “I define winning as the only metric by which I win,” but tries to walk it back by saying “Oh, I could try to win in other ways…” until he apparently realizes immediate that he doesn’t want to.

She dome me up, she give me face like some whiskers
Tia’s and Tamera’s, I be knockin’ sisters

… I really can’t say anything about this. This is lyrical poetry. Who would have thought that such an amazing visual construct can be made about oral sex.

If you thought I would go Sister, Sister, you were wrong.

And if you were to come back to me
Girl I know just how you’d do me
And if you were to come back to me
Girl I know just why you’d choose me
And if you were to come back to me
Girl, I’ll get it wet, jacuzzi
And if you were to come back to me girl
We’ll make another movie

And yet, here we come to the end of the song, where Ray J has just broken down into basically saying that he’s been fantasizing about what would happen if she, for some reason, broke down and came back to him.

But he’s totally over her. Totally.

Ultimately, the fact that Ray J feels so insecure as to make this diss track would make me pity Ray J enormously, if he weren’t so easily detestable for both his narcissism and his inability to focus a camera on anyone for himself. Something that was a huge problem during his other filming venture.

Also, Ray J denies that this song was about Kim Kardashian in an interview. I can only assume this is to avoid some sort of legal issue, since HELL YES IT IS.


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Reader Bonus: Kim Kardashian: Superstar (The Kim Kardashian/Ray J Tape)

… Deflated balls joke not found

When I opened this up to requests, I was expecting some bad movies, or some weird TV shows that people wanted reviewed. What I was not anticipating was that someone would request a review of a celebrity sex tape. But, I only get a few requests a month, so I can’t really afford to turn them down, yet. Also, this is literally the easiest piece of media to find on the internet. The first copy I found had been watched 134 Million times. That’s more than watched the Super Bowl this year, and that’s just one video on one site.

At least I remember Moesha

Up front: I’m not a fan of Kim Kardashian, and I actually thought Ray J was a completely different person (no, not Ray J. Johnson, I know he’s fictional… I thought it was the guy who played Moesha’s OTHER brother). However, I am a professional, so I did my due diligence.

Kim Kardashian is now famous for being famous and hot and married to Kanye West, but back in 2002 she was a hairstylist for Brandy Norwood (after she was Cinderella, sadly), and apparently was dating Brandy’s brother Ray J. Also, didn’t know Brandy was Snoop Dogg’s cousin until now, so that’s neat.

KimKardashianParis.jpgWell, Ray J and Kim went to Cabo to celebrate Kim’s 23rd Birthday, and filmed themselves goofing around, and also in the bedroom. Kardashian apparently was married at the time, something I did not realize. Ray J and Kim later broke up, and Kim became friends with other noted celebrity sex-tape-haver Paris Hilton. Then, in 2007, this tape got bought up by Vivid Entertainment (noted distributor of sex tapes), and apparently the rights were sold to them by Ray J. Kardashian sued to stop the distribution, but settled for $5 Million instead. The popularity from the tape, combined with her appearances on Hilton’s Simple Life, got her a TV show and ensured that we will never be rid of her or her family.

As part of my nauseating background research into this article (by which I mean reading TMZ, you sickos), I found out some other interesting things:

KimKardashianRayJ1) Ray J makes a lot of money on this. As of 2014, he makes around $10k/month. When Kim “broke the internet,” with her nude photo shoot, apparently Ray J made $50k that week in royalties. Also, apparently, every time she has a baby, gets married, gets divorced, or makes the news, that doubles or triples that week’s income.

2) Ray J is a douchebag. He constantly tries to remind people, especially Kanye, that he slept with Kim first. He has songs about it that I’m not going to listen to. (update: Some A-hole requested the song of course).

3) TMZ loves this tape and the ensuing drama. There are probably 100 articles about it. Including a series of statements that Kanye West owned a copy of this video before he and Kim started dating, and that he often watched it while with other women. That’s… love, I guess?

Now, there are two versions of this video: The Original and the Extended Cut.

Here’s a picture of Bea Arthur instead

The original video was 41 minutes long, about 20 of which was sex. However, since then, they’ve cobbled together other tapes of Kim from her time with Ray J and added 1 hour of bonus footage, which includes, apparently, more sex. Specifically, about 4 minutes of it. In an hour. Of them doing stupid sh*t around Mexico and L.A. So, I stuck with the original.

I’m going to go ahead and skip the actual summary of the material for this. You can watch it yourself if you want, but I don’t recommend it.

The main takeaway from this is that Ray J should never have been the cameraman. It’s not just that he doesn’t do well with focusing, lighting, or any of that stuff, it’s that HE MAKES HIMSELF THE FOCUS MOST OF THE TIME. Clearly, he believed that he was going to be the real celebrity out of the two of them. So, in a video which is marketed as being about Kim Kardashian, famously attractive woman, she’s actually out of frame a lot of the time, instead having Ray J direct the camera towards himself.

KimKardashianPassedOutDonkeyThe other thing is that Kim Kardashian apparently has strong porn instincts as far as her mid-coitus dialogue goes. If this is actually what she talks like during sex, then this is clearly the work she was born for. The only problem is that half the time she sounds like she’s starting to fall asleep. And maybe she was. Mexican Donkey Valium is strong, I’m told.

I wish I could praise the artistic camerawork, the strong storycrafting, the masterful performances, but I actually believed Ray J’s character more when he appeared in season 5 of Moesha.

Overall, this is to erotica what Renegade was to television: Profitable, famous, but lacking in quality.

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If you enjoy these, please, like, share, tell your friends, like the Facebook page (, follow on Twitter @JokerOnTheSofa, and just generally give me a little bump. I’m not getting paid, but I like to get feedback.