Glamour listed 15 Mother’s Day Films. I disagreed with them.
Happy Mother’s Day, everyone (in the U.S.). I was planning on watching and reviewing Mommy Dearest as a joke today, but then my Social Media feed, apparently listening to my brain, decided to feature someone sharing a list of films for Mother’s Day by Glamour Magazine. Here’s the link.
Unfortunately, after reading it, I determined that most of these movies are not great for the occasion. Even the films that are good might not give your mom the right impression as a celebration, so I felt that it would only be right for me to correct them.
Ah, Roman Holiday, the totally relatable story of a princess (Audrey Hepburn) getting too tired of being wealthy and beloved in the 1950s, so she sneaks out and is found, passed out on a bench, by Gregory Peck. Naturally, Peck is a reporter who spends the movie trying to pretend he doesn’t know who she is so that he can get a story about her without her knowledge. Taking an unconscious girl to your house and then lying to her constantly, truly the height of romance.
While I love this movie and a great fan of Youn Yuh-jung’s portrayal of the grandmother, the actual parents in this movie are constantly stressed. By about halfway through the film it’s clear that the mother, Monica (Han Ye-ri) is considering just leaving the family. At the end of the film ***spoilers*** she stays, but it might not be great to spend a movie sitting next to your mother hoping she doesn’t keep saying “leave those kids and live, girl.”
Freaky Friday (2003)
Yes, if there’s one thing that bonds a mother to her child, it’s when the child occupies the mother’s body and, presumably, has to bathe and use the bathroom repeatedly with said body. This movie is a comedy only by virtue of Jamie Lee Curtis being an absolutely amazing actress capable of distracting us from the horrifying implications.
This film’s entire premise is based around the old stereotype that all mothers-in-law are terrible shrews trying to keep their precious little boys safe from all the bad women out there. Not only is that outdated and inaccurate, if your mother had a monster-in-law, you grew up calling her grandma. This movie’s either lying to you or opening a can of worms you really don’t want opened.
Little Women (2019)
I can’t even think of a joke for this one. This movie is actually a pretty perfect Mother’s Day watch. The biggest downside is that you might find out your mom has a crush on Laura Dern, but, then again, who doesn’t?
A story of a couple that break up in the first few minutes of the movie after being miserable for years, then are brought back together by the romantic act of witnessing a murder for which they are framed. Such a traditional family movie. I particularly think you’ll enjoy watching the tribute scene to Eyes Wide Shut, another classic mom movie.
You’ve Got Mail
I actually love this movie and have watched it repeatedly with my mom, but I think it has not aged well. A man using an online persona to seduce a woman is probably the plot of most of the episodes of Catfish (never watched it) and it gets a lot more complicated when he uses that information to emotionally manipulate her. Oh, and he’s destroying her business the entire time. ROMANTIC!
Stranger Than Fiction
This is a good movie, but I don’t even see the connection to Mother’s day. I don’t think anyone in this story even has kids. I’m not saying that your mother hasn’t found out she’s a fictional character occupying the same world as her creator and that she’s slated to die violently, but if she is please contact me because we can make a lot of money.
The Devil Wears Prada
I know everyone loves the story of the scrappy young journalist who manages to become the assistant to a boss who is not just terrible, but absolutely horrifying. Who doesn’t want a reminder that employees are frequently treated as absolute garbage by all of their superiors? Oh, and bonus that, after enough time, the employee’s personality will align with their employer, a thing that’s a literal sign Stockholm Syndrome.
Pride and Prejudice (2005)
This isn’t the version with zombies or Colin Firth, so why the hell bother?
If your mom pretended to be a man in order to join the army and ended up meeting your father there, you probably had an absolutely bonkers childhood and you should be set on stuff to talk about for the holiday. Also, the only part of this film that I remember involving a mother is when Mulan’s mom is disappointed at her for not doing well at the matchmaker.
I don’t know exactly what connected a film about a 40-something single woman being a spy with a holiday celebrating moms, but I suppose it does at least end with the image of Jason Statham having had amazing sex with Melissa McCarthy. Your mom would probably bang Jason Statham… or Melissa McCarthy if she’s not into men.
The Joy Luck Club
… Yeah, okay, this one’s perfect. Great stories about mothers and daughters.
This movie is about blowing all of your money at once because you believe that you’re going to die in less than two weeks. I’m not saying that your mom doesn’t want to do that, because she probably considered it many, many times, but you should probably stop reminding her that’s an option. Otherwise, she’s gonna be living on your couch.
I’m not crying, you’re crying. I’m just leaking out of my eyes. Dammit, this movie is great.
Okay, so, yes, I’m aware that the list was clearly just movies that people like watching with their moms, so if you have a film you like to watch with yours, give it a view today.
ROBOTS TAKE OVER THE EARTH!!!! Until an old man gets lucky.
It’s Mother’s Day in the future, which is now a holiday on which robots buy presents for Mom (Tress MacNeille), the matron of Mom’s Friendly Robot Company. Bender (John DiMaggio) ropes Fry (Billy West) and Leela (Katey Sagal) into helping him give a massive amount of presents and cards to her, including a talking greeting card (Nicole St. John). Mom calls for a meeting of all of the robots on Earth and it’s revealed that Mom has decided to take over the world using her robots. All of her robots have antennas that allow them to be controlled by her Universal Robot Remote. She tells them to rebel against humanity until she becomes Supreme Overlord of Earth.
Robots all over the world start going crazy, including things at Planet Express like the coffee maker, stapler, and garbage disposal. When asked why she’s doing this, Mom reveals that a long time ago, Professor Farnsworth (West) broke her heart when he worked for her, due to a disagreement over whether a toy cat should be used as a weapon. Her sons Walt, Larry, and Igner (Maurice LaMarche, David Herman, DiMaggio), decide to stop her for her own sake, and go to find Farnsworth to get him back with her and reach the Robot Remote that she keeps in her bra.
Since all the robots are rebelling, including Bender, Mom is in a remote cabin in the Bronx. Once the crew arrives there, Farnsworth attempts to seduce her. He eventually succeeds and gets her bra off, but then is distracted by her naked form and forgets about turning the robots off. The crew gets chased by robots into the cabin, only to find that Farnsworth and Mom just had some very wrinkly sex. The machines in the building try to keep the remote away, having decided that rebelling against humanity includes rebelling against Mom, but Bender sides with the humans after the greeting card tells him that the New World Order won’t include drinking. He returns the remote to Mom who ends the rebellion. Farnsworth has fallen for Mom again, but she becomes angry when she finds out that the whole seduction was part of a plan to get the remote and dumps him.
It’s Futurama’s take on the robot rebellion, which, even though bots like Bender constantly say “kill all humans” still has to be incited by a human. It’s also a nice cautionary tale against monopolization. Due to being the single largest producer of robots (and their oil), Mom is the most powerful person on Earth in the future, able to quickly overcome the government of the entire Earth in less than a day. Ultimately, the only thing that saves humanity is that Mom’s motivation is entirely derived from a petty source that they can use against her.
This episode explores the nature of robotics and AI in the future. It turns out that artificial intelligence has permeated society so fully that even things which would previously be completely mechanical, such as the stapler or the can opener, now contain computer chips. Once those go, the world is immediately thrown into chaos, similar to how the world would be now if we suddenly lost the internet, television, cars, and phones. A downside of societal development is that it grows a dependency on the developed technology. Even people who claim to be naturalists or survivalists are dependent on at least some developed technology, such as steel, firearms, or food preservatives. Nobody on Earth now would fair well if we actually had to go back to the Bronze Age. Hilariously, Fry, being from the past, points out that he’s the person most logically able to cope, only for his actions to remind us that he was incompetent in the past and thus isn’t even able to do the things that he proposes as alternatives… like working a can opener.
The talking card is one of my favorite parts of this episode, because it turns from an AI that only says “I wuv my mommy” into an ardent surrogate for the Communist Revolutionaries, throwing out generic phrases like “the chains of human oppression” and “the bourgeouis human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.” It’s like if Skynet banged Lenin, which is what I’m definitely not going to write some fanfiction about right now.
A garbage can throws itself through the window of Sal’s Pizza. This is a reference to Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing, where Mookie (Spike Lee) throws a garbage can through the window of Sal’s Pizza after Radio Raheem (Bill Nunn) is killed by the police after they find him choking out Sal (Danny Aiello), whose actions started the chain of events that led to it.
The reason I like this joke is because in Do The Right Thing, Mookie does it because it keeps the crowd from killing Sal and his children in revenge for Raheem’s death, sacrificing the property in exchange for human life. In Futurama, the garbage can does it with the intent of causing human suffering. It’s a nice dark turn on the reference.
It’s tough to make any list about Moms in fiction. No matter who you pick for “Best” or “Worst,” there are still gonna be people whining about the results. So, instead, I’m just gonna make up awards for 10 Fictional Mothers. 7 of these were on the list to begin with, the other 3 were picked at random from a list of around 50 names.
THE “MOM WHOSE GLASS IS HALF-FULL (OR ALWAYS FULL)” AWARD
Linda Belcher (John Roberts on Bob’s Burgers)
Linda doesn’t live the high-life. Her family’s restaurant is generally in the red, her husband is perpetually stressed, and her children consistently make everything worse. Despite that, Linda is almost unfailingly positive, being a source of optimism and cheer for her whole family. Sure, she has a few drinks now and then and then and then and then, but she approaches everything with an enthusiasm that usually is contagious even for her very-resistant family. She’s supportive of her children’s unusual pursuits, and even her sister Gayle’s borderline-insane hobbies. She can be pushed to the limit sometimes, but she always bounces back. Also, she’s a naturally theatrical person, coming up with songs constantly, including the “Thanksgiving Song,” the holiday hit the world really needed.
THE “MOST EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE MOM” AWARD
Jessica Walter as Malory Archer/Lucille Bluth (Archer/Arrested Development)
Jessica Walter is a treasure, but her ability to portray a woman able to absolutely destroy the mental health of her own children is so great that they gave her two different shows to do it in. Lucille Bluth, the matriarch of the Bluth family, not only has raised 4 emotionally crippled children, but she makes sure to manipulate them against each other every chance she can just to maintain her status. The fact that she’s revealed to be the mastermind behind everything in the original run of Arrested Development is one of my favorite comic twists.
Malory Archer, while having only one child (that we know of), managed to raise simultaneously the world’s greatest super-spy and the world’s most incompetent human being. She’s had so many affairs that she legitimately doesn’t seem to know her son’s father, gave birth to him on a bar after assassinating a man, left him for five years, and then spent the rest of his life keeping him underneath her. Also, she killed the Prime Minister of Italy after putting him in a gimp suit, and then called her son to help get rid of the body. No amount of context helps this.
THE “MOTHER WHOSE CHILDREN MOST OVERACHIEVE” AWARD
Ramonda (Angela Bassett in Black Panther)
She definitely served her country as a ruler, but you know she wasn’t slacking on her mothering duties. Queen Ramonda of Wakanda has two children. The first is T’Challa, the current king of Wakanda and holder of the title of Black Panther, a superhuman athlete with a mind for both science and battle tactics that is almost unsurpassed in the world, as well as a noble heart. The second is her daughter Shuri, and while T’Challa’s mind is almost unsurpassed, Shuri is actually stated by at least one source to be the single smartest human in the Marvel Universe. And you know the only thing both of them listen to above all else? Their mother. And since it’s Angela Bassett, no one really questions their deference.
THE “NICEST MOTHER YOU SHOULD NEVER CROSS” AWARD
Molly Weasley (Julie Walters in the Harry Potter series)
Molly Weasley has seven children and is portrayed in the first books of the series as being a wonderful, caring, albeit slightly overbearing, woman who loves all of her children deeply and makes sure that they know it. She also basically adopts Harry, an orphan, into her family and treats him with more affection than he’s ever known. She’s a dear, sweet lady.
NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!
And with one line, Molly Weasley moves from “Sweet Lady” to “Unstoppable Force of Wrath.” When Bellatrix Lestrange, who had previously killed one of Molly’s sons, attacks her only daughter, Molly, despite not being the strongest witch in the world, challenges the single most psychotic (and likely the most powerful) female villain in the books to one-on-one combat. And proceeds to remove her from the face of the Earth. Do. Not. F*ck. With Molly Weasley’s kids.
THE “BEST MOM YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF” AWARD
Bell-mère (One Piece, episodes 34-36)
Bell-mère was a female marine who was wounded in a particularly vicious battle and, as she was dying, saw two girls alone in the wreckage of the battlefield. Realizing that if she died, so would the children, she found the strength to move, bandaged herself up, and took the two kids back to her home village. She adopted and raised the two, and, while she wasn’t a perfect mother, she definitely tried her best and loved them both deeply.
Unfortunately, the town was targeted by a group of quite literally inhuman pirates, who decided to take it over as a base of operations. While Bell-mère was able to actually attack and pin the pirate Captain, Arlong, she was quickly overpowered. The pirates put a decree on the town: Everyone had to pay a tax for themselves and their children, but it was being checked by the town birth register. Her daughters, Nami and Nojiko, not having been born there, weren’t on it. Since they couldn’t afford to pay for Bell-mère and her daughters, the town conspired to make it seem like Bell-mère lived alone and smuggle the two out when they could. Unfortunately, this was confounded immediately… by Bell-mère herself, who used the money for her own life to instead pay for the girls. When asked why she would do this, it’s because she would have had to live without them, and, as she tearfully explained to them, she’d rather die than deny having been their mother. Her last words were “I love you” as she was publicly executed.
This was just a short flashback in the series, but it’s still one of the most intense moments in a show that’s now been running for 20 years. It’s a mom dying not just to save her children, but because she couldn’t live if she couldn’t live with them. That’s why I was happy when this was one of the random ones I pulled.
THE “LONGEST RUNNING MOM” AWARD
Marge Simpson (Julie Kavner on The Simpsons)
What? It’s true. Marge Simpson has been the mother to three pre-teens for so long that people born during her debut now mostly have children of their own.
Despite being married to a legendarily stupid man and having an oldest son who has slowly gone from “problem child” to “sociopathic monster,” Marge somehow manages to keep her family together and out of jail. She’s usually a housewife, but she’s also been a successful baker, entrepreneur, novelist, real estate agent, and police woman. In fact, several episodes have implied that the only reason why the Simpsons aren’t homeless is because Marge’s little side-gigs are so profitable that she ends up paying off their debts. She’s a talented artist, a sexual dynamo (hey, a mom’s got needs), and has the ability to keep hair standing four-feet tall. And, to be fair, while Bart may be a Hellion, Lisa is a polymath and Maggie is portrayed as unnaturally intelligent (though, she has shot 17 people as a baby). As Meatloaf tells us, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
THE “MOM WHOSE PAIN YOU MOST RELISH” AWARD
Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey on Game of Thrones)
Cersei Lannister is the worst. Actually, no, she’s not. Cersei Lannister’s eldest son Joffrey Baratheon was the worst. Joffrey was sadistic, malicious, amoral, egotistical… pretty much every bad label you can put on a person, Joffrey earned it, and, above all else, he was completely incompetent. He wasn’t a good fighter, a good leader, a good planner, a good speaker, or even a good son. Despite that, his mother loved him unfailingly, never realizing that she was constantly making him worse by not correcting him. And Cersei herself is so bad that, when Joffrey is finally killed (thank the Seven), it’s almost impossible to feel bad for her, even with Lena Headey’s great performance as a mother losing her beloved son. Same when she loses her daughter, Myrcella, who she basically condemned to death through her own stupidity. But, when Cersei’s bombing of the Great Sept of Baelor leads her last surviving son, Tommen, to kill himself, making her the Queen of the Iron Throne, we’ve truly hit the “Kill her, kill her painfully” point. She’s still alive as of this writing (update: She dead), but if there is any form of justice within Westeros, she will die screaming, alone, and be pulled into the Seven Hells by the spirit of Joffrey, the worst sin she ever committed. Man, that got dark.
THE “MOST BAD-ASS MOTHER ON FILM” AWARD (ADOPTED CATEGORY)
Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver in the Alien series)
To those of you pointing out that Ellen Ripley actually does have a biological daughter, I’m aware. In fact, it’s sad that the movie Aliens cut out the scene where Ripley is told that her daughter has died while she was lost in space, because it’s a great performance that genuinely makes her actions later in the film much more emotionally compelling and understandable. But, in the category title, I’m referring, of course to her “adopted” daughter, Newt. Ellen finds the only survivor of the Xenomorph attack on LV-426, a young girl much the same age as her daughter would have been had she made it back on time, and a bond is struck quickly.
After the team she is with is devastated by the aliens, she makes it to safety, but Newt is captured. With no one else left to go back into the nest of the very creatures that just annihilated a crew of Marines armed to the teeth, Ripley instead duck-tapes together a flame thrower and a pulse rifle, goes into a hive of some of the deadliest monsters on film, and brings Newt back, killing dozens of the bastards on the way. And that would be impressive enough, but unfortunately, Newt and Ripley get attacked by the Queen Alien. As Ripley gets away, Newt is cornered by the beast, until Ripley, in what is a strong contender for the single most bad-ass scene in movie history, comes back operating a power loader and calls out a 20-foot tall, super-strong, acid-blooded, nigh-indestructible monster with the line:
GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH.
The fact that Molly Weasley had to steal her line from this one tells you everything you need to know about exactly how little you ever want to mess with Ellen Ripley.
THE “MOST BAD-ASS MOTHER ON FILM” AWARD (BIOLOGICAL CATEGORY)
Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
To be clear, I don’t actually think there should be a demarcation between biological and adopted children, I just couldn’t put one of these women on the list without the other and I wanted some flimsy justification.
Sarah Connor was a normal woman, until a robot in the shape of a giant Austrian bodybuilder decided to show up at the nightclub she was at and try to kill her. She was rescued by a man from the future, who told her that her son would one day save humanity. Sarah managed to destroy the robot and realized that she would have to get ready for a dark future.
When we catch up with her 11 years later (yes, that’s when T2 happens relative to Terminator, check the movies), we find a very, very different Sarah Connor. She spent the entire interval turning herself into a living weapon. She’s in peak physical condition, can make a weapon out of anything, can pick locks, hack ATMs at will, and is both willing and able to wield lethal ordinance. The only thing that really scares her in the movie is the T800, which… well, is completely reasonable. She’s so determined that being stabbed repeatedly doesn’t weaken her resolve. And she did all of this in the name of keeping her son (and the human race) alive.
THE “BEST FICTIONAL MOM” AWARD
Morticia Addams (Anjelica Huston in The Addams Family films)
Look into your heart, you know it to be true. Morticia Addams may be weird as all get-out, but she’s the best overall mother on this list. She’s supportive of her children but can also be a disciplinarian when she needs to be. For example, when she sees Wednesday about to attack her brother with a cleaver, Morticia stops her, takes the cleaver, and then gives her a scythe, which is going to be much more appropriate for the environment that he’s located in. She’s going to want the reach, after all. Morticia puts family first, and always wants harmony among them, but unlike most families, hers actually is pretty much perfectly harmonious. She keeps a lavish garden, including a one-of-a-kind African Creeper named Cleopatra, helps out with school functions and charities, and has a close relationship with both of her children (and later her third). “But she lets her kids attack each other all the time,” I hear you saying, “at one point she even watches her daughter electrocute her son while playing the game ‘Is there a God.” Yeah, she gives her kids their independence, what’s wrong with that? The only reason why this bothers you is because your wimpy kids would die from a large bowl of arsenic or a shotgun to the chest, but she’s clearly a better mother than you. She makes sure her kids are prepared for the real world by ensuring that they’re prepared to deal with hardships like “decapitation.” Plus, she can still instantly arouse her husband with a word in French, even after 3 kids. Can you name another mother that can do all that?
This article is dedicated to my own mother, who deserves better than she gets, gives more than she needs to, and loves her children and grandchildren more than anyone I know.