Netflix Review – 365 DNI (365 Days): It’s Fifty Shades of Creepy

Hey everyone, who wants some mediocre erotica with a lot of Stockholm Syndrome?

SUMMARY (Spoiler-ish)

Polish executive Laura Biel (Anna-Maria Sieklucha) is 29 years old and unhappy with her relationship with her boyfriend Martin (Mateusz Łasowski). She goes with Martin and friends on a trip to Italy for her birthday, where Martin embarrasses her. She goes for a walk and runs into mobster Massimo Torricelli (Michele Morrone), who kidnaps her. Massimo reveals that he fell for her years ago when he watched her on a beach the day that his father was killed. He saw her at the airport and decided to take her. He sends her family and Martin messages so they will think she’s taken a new job and left her boyfriend, and tells her that he’s giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. He promises that he will not force himself on her, but is confident that she will end up wanting to be with him. Somehow, he’s right.

Sure, a woman in chains before a naked guy is usually fun, but here it’s kidnapping.


So, if you like a really hot guy wearing little to no clothing or a woman wearing none at all, then… you probably should be aware that the internet has porn. Like, a lot of it. I would recommend the vast majority of it over this film, since it’ll get you what you really want in a shorter amount of time. If you like an erotic storyline involving BDSM, however… I would recommend the movie Secretary starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal, which is much better than this film. If you want sex scenes, try 9½ Weeks, because at least you will have some better acting. If you haven’t gotten the tone of the review so far, this movie’s not good.

The shower scenes make me feel dirty.

I think I started disliking it 15 minutes in, because the premise is kind of absurd. Massimo sees a woman that he watched for like ten minutes, five years before the events of this film, and is apparently so smitten that he decides the best plan is not to talk to her, but instead to abduct her and hold her prisoner. I get that he’s a broken man who lacks most sense of normal morality, but that’s a horrible plan for anyone, particularly since he admits he doesn’t really know anything about Laura other than that he wants to bang her. Even worse, abduction works, because otherwise the film wouldn’t give the audience their various fantasy fulfillments. 

Like their need for discount Eyes Wide Shut orgy scene.

The sex scenes in the movie are pretty intense and the leads are appropriately attractive, but that’s about it. The performances are not great, but I also think they might have been exactly what the director was looking for, so I’m not sure I can blame the actors. I think their performances are mostly tame because the point of the movie is to emphasize the sexual passion, so any other emotion must be kept down to make the sexiness seem bigger. That is the opposite of how humans work, of course, but maybe that was the thinking behind it. 

Yes, these are the emotional moments they were saving up for.

The biggest problem in the movie is that the filmmakers keep trying to justify things rather than just accept that they’re making a film for people to get horny to. Massimo is given a sub-plot to show that he’s “not that bad of a guy,” for a kidnapper. Laura is given some moments where she turns the tables so that we think “oh, she must totally have some control here.” The two say they have a spiritual connection so that the film can assure the viewer that this really is meant to be. They do all of this to make the film seem less objectionable. This is despite the fact that Massimo pretty clearly would rape any woman that isn’t Laura (whom he molests WHILE TELLING HER HE WON’T MOLEST HER). If you’re going to have a premise like this, you need to just double down… or maybe just think about making a different movie.

Or just re-release Secretary.

Overall, this wasn’t a great movie, although I admit the sex scenes were pretty solid. But, again, you guys know that there is porn on the internet, right? The same thing you would need to use to view this film or read this review.

If you want to check out some more by the Joker on the Sofa, check out the 100 Greatest TV Episodes of All TimeCollection of TV EpisodesCollection of Movie Reviews, or the Joker on the Sofa Reviews.

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